To make it
short and simple: it was AWFUL. My worst
race ever. This wasn’t even about
placement or my competitors. This was
about my personal performance – an absolute embarrassment. This is when you want to slink into a hole
and wish it never happened. This is when
you question if it’s all worth it, when you want to hide in shame, and you ask
yourself, “What the hell happened?!”
There were
11 female elites at the start of the swim.
It was a cool, overcast morning, but the water was the cleanest,
clearest water I’ve ever raced in. The
other women took off like lightning, and I figured many of them were most
likely former swimmers. Coming out of
the water, I actually was very near what I expected for my time. The results have the swim time a bit long, as
it included the exit as well, and since it was quite a jaunt to transition, I
stripped off my wetsuit shortly after I exited the swim, and perhaps even
before I crossed the timing mat. It made
it easier to strip and run like that though.
Most of the women beat me out of the water.
I got out on the bike, and it felt
like it wasn’t long until the struggle started.
I tried to be patient with my average speed, expecting it to increase as
I got further into the ride, as there was some super sharp turns that we had to
substantially slow down for. I was
warned about the hills. I underestimated
the reality of them. Every good downhill
had a turn at the bottom it seemed, and there was at least one hill so steep
that I thought I might be faster walking it.
I stood up on the bike instead to get up it – something I’ve never done
before. I was no longer able to hit my
watts, and on the return route of the course, I watched my average speed keep
dropping – right along with my self-confidence.
In T2 I fought with cramping toes
as I put my shoes on and was told I was in the top 10 for women. It was confirmed – this was bad indeed. I felt incredibly slow on the run, as I
encountered one steep hill after another, and I continued to unravel. A spry woman passed me. I shuffled along. Speed walking the hills may have been just as
fast. My goal pace was around 7:10 –
something I knew that would be tough, but it should have been not that
far-fetched. I averaged 7:51. I wanted to cry.
I experienced greater self-defeat
in that race than I ever have before in triathlon. I’ve biked up a bluff, into strong winds, ran
up High Cliff and over ankle-rolling terrain.
I’ve run through heat so fierce that the air around me was stifling and
you could see the heat rise from the pavement on the exposed “desert” run
course. I’ve even competed on a day
where it hit a high of maybe 40 degrees (don’t forget I was wet from a swim for
it!). But I have never felt so defeated
as I did that day at Elkhart Lake. No
matter how much I’ve struggled on some of those other courses, I have never
fallen apart like this before.
This wasn’t about me having a baby
3 months prior. I have no excuse. Maybe the hills burned my legs out. Maybe a lot of things. I don’t think it would be just one thing
either. I don’t know what exactly
happened. But what I do know is that I’m capable of far better. I know my training shows that I am capable of
much, much more. I know that after
taking a few days to refocus, I have a lot of tough workouts ahead of me. I cannot let that one race define me. I also know that I will be looking for
redemption.
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